#i don't think I'm sleeping tonight again
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#it's funny how i never pray for myself anymore. my works are my own#but when there's someone else who im helpless to help i never turn to God faster#I'm screaming the name of a foreigners God#I'm so tired and i helped how i could but still I'm here praying#this all feels so pointless but this is the last thing i can do is just pray#....#remember to check in on your friends#i don't think I'm sleeping tonight again#also I'm out of cigarettes this is hell
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the end of 505: 2007 vs 2023
#don't even talk to me about the way the moment the song finishes alex seeks miles's gaze out#the way they're so immediately and instinctively drawn to each other#and how after over fifteen years it's just the same#the same inescapable awareness of each other#of being so caught up together#the only thing that's changed is that if anything they look even more at ease with each other now#there's a little less of the nervous over-awed quality and more of a deep sense of love and ease and belonging#i can't even think about how reluctant they are to let go of that hug in the second gif#how alex is still looking and smiling at miles even as he walks away#aghhhhhhh#i'm entirely too emotional over them and i need to go to sleep#tonight was a lot in the very best way#i'm so so happy they got to share a stage again on such a special and significant night 🤍#milex#miles kane#alex turner#tlsp#arctic monkeys#505#milex 2023#dublin#my gifs#lulu posts
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Not a bad get from work's sample sale the other day tbh 😌
#ore no kao#also ending up with <6hrs of sleep tonight after sleeping in this weekends 😩#fun hang for a friend's bday; watched some older good snl/onion vids before HOTD (which i don't really watch but i'm here for camaraderie)#and now work in the morn 😴#(also cute friend from wed's date thanked me for holding his umbrella for next time and said he had a great time#but hasnt replied to my texts thursday saying i liked exploring our chemistry and that i was thinking of kissing him again#or from yday hoping he's had a good few days and that i feel bad for still having his umbrella given how it's poured this weekend#[he'd left it in our bathtub to dry as we fooled around but the roomie was in there as it got late and he left lol]#he's working two jobs and has 12-hr shifts fridays and sats so i'm hoping it's nothing but a little surprising for how well wed night went#and it would be nice to see him more so i guess we'll see)#(for dates and also getting to suck him again 😩)
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drinking in your late 20s is like: this is great, I feel amazing!!!!
*two hours later*: is currently experiencing physical symptoms never felt before
#yeah i don't think my body can take heavy drinking anymore lmao#and by heavy drinking i mean like.. five cans of hard seltzer and i shared three of those with my friend 💀#once again... need to find better copying mechanisms to deal with the stress at work... drinking ain't gonna cut it#I'm getting old 😫#anyways.. let's see if I'll be able to sleep tonight without throwing up#anny.txt#alcohol tw
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extremely important to me that my satyr is completely sweet and naive and gentle and innocent and is still a satyr who loves to drink and do drugs and have as much sex as possible, likewise extremely important to me that my goofy little kooky mad scientist archetype wizard with a silly voice and funny eccentricities is also unironically beautiful and desirable and capable of sincere attraction and love, extremely and equally important to me for different reasons that are the same reason
#feeling so normal about the way I'm perceived by others tonight lol lmao#I think about 'nott is child coded' shipping discourse all the fucking time#in some ways she seemed naive and childlike#and in other ways I think she was just A Weirdo in a way female characters often don't get to be#and from either angle the result is someone who makes people extremely uncomfortable to imagine as having a sex life or even a libido#as a grown woman who is in many ways both childlike and just unappealingly weird. I think about it a lot.#hey maybe people who seem soft and sweet and gentle are also fully realized people with thoughts and depth and life experiences#hey maybe people who seem weird in a way *you* find unattractive are also fully realized people with thoughts and depth and life experience#maybe when you in real life are the quirky and deeply unsexy weirdo side character of a person this all feels very personal to you#I know I've talked about this before and I'm sure I will again#I don't know how else to think about things except repeatedly and aloud#I don't know what else I can do about feeling like I don't get to be seen as a whole person except talk about it#... ironic as doing so through the lens of my fictional characters may be#I dunno. I dunno. I need to go to sleep#about me#my OCs#nyssa#melliwyk
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#Might watch Bourne Legacy tonight just because I need comfort movie now#But in a “now please” type of way#Does that mean I'm sacrificing my sleep for movie?#Yes.#Am I upset that it has to be a war of priorities?#Yes again.#WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN#WILL J BEAT THE TEMPTATION OR WILL SHE SLEEP SO WELL AND HOPEFULLY THE BURNOUT WITH BE MORE OF A SMILEOUT#I'm not coherent#I shouldn't be posting this lol#Oh I think I'm just itching to journal since I have been too lazy to do that in the last 2 weeks#I'll go do that now.#Everyone pray that I don't forget 🙏#Many hugs#Bye bye now
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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Pleeeease God I just want to be able to fall asleep on my quarter dose of a sleep aid and not feel my stomach hurting from whatever food my body decided it hates now and not have to worry about anyone or anything until I wake up tomorrow afternoon...
#honestly just sleeping and not feeling sick anymore would be enough for me to be happy tonight#sleep has been getting tough again#I sleep but the timing has been bad#I've been staying up super late since I can't finish anything during the daytime#and I have so many things making me anxious :')#some of my OCD thoughts are coming back and NOPE I don't want to deal with them again!!!#I'll be fine but I think my brain is just reacting this way due to being too stressed#and feeling like I'm gonna mess up at any second#and overly judging myself when I do get close to messing up#why do I have such a ridiculous brain lmao#like I message people and my first thought is that they're gonna send me an angry reply#to the point where I don't even wanna check#and then I see it's just 'thank you' or 'alright' or whatever#amazing
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#and I'm getting like 6 hours of sleep again tonight#yay#I am stress typing everything a I can think of for some reason#like I can't make my brain shut up or my fingers stop#........I don't know why I'm stressed out I just caught back up with my fieldwork hours#*screams into the void*
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they're at mad at me island i should cvt
#cvt#cvtting#I'm like ... 2 months clean question mark#i unfortunately am Very good at like .. invalidating myself abt sh and all#so I barely even count what I did as cvts lmao#I have a few scars that haven't faded yet on my thigh though so that's. something#you know how it is#and like of course do not take my words here as like . idk Truth. like#if you've got small ones that's still sh yk like. that's still ??#i don't rlly know how to go abt talking here lol#i try not to log in too much. makes me worse I think#ur all valid is what I'm getting at#anyway . they are ignoring me on purpose bc I accidentally did something#and its making me feel like fucking shit but I don't want to tell them that bc like?? if they're reacting like this#over something I'm Also upset abt?? idk#i've been able to vent to them a Lot and have felt v safe abt it but mm. I'm unfortunately very sensitive lol#and idk if I will be able to confide in them for a fucking While again#I don't want to break my streak though. also I've always been afraid of bleeding so LMAOOOO#im not letting myself sleep tonight instead. haven't done that since hs but uhmm Oh Well it is what it is#doubt they're in these corners of Tumblr but if u know who this is Sowwy !#🐦⬛posting
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*flopped down on a couch w/a glass bottle of apple juice to make it look like i'm drinking beer*
yeah... yeah i'm fine.... just coming to terms w/the fact that i must use javascript in order to achieve my vision w/the neocities...
#the main reason i haven't just abandoned this particular aspect of the Vision(tm) is bc it would be useful for like.#more than one thing. so it's like. le sigh.#(reading the documentation for tippy tooltips tonight so that i can sleep on it n try to implement it tmrw or something)#why is it always js.... please god spare me at least a Little bit of suffering here i'll never sin again etc etc#speaking of sin i've started speaking more candidly abt my queerness w/the kids at work this week#it's nice to talk to the older kids (as in fifth grade or older) bc even tho like. nine years old is when they start to be tolerable#they lack awareness n life experience. today i told the older kids that i like men but in a gay way#n one of them was like 'i don't get it' n then i reminded her of Gender:tm: n she was like 'ohhhh i get it'#n the two guys also listening were like 'what. i still don't get it.' ONE OF THEM ASKED ME IF I WAS AMAB ACTUALLY LOL#n i was like 'what? that's not important.' but that was really surprising! kids usually read me as female#so it was kind of flattering in a way to be asked 'were you born a boy?' like idk how he's trying to process my gender#but i'm going to flatter myself into thinking the question comes from him like. idk clocking some kind of innate masculinity or w/e idk#花話#anyway it's Crazy that it took me almost a year to not feel like i'd get instantly fired for telling kids i'm queer#Not going to lie it really felt like i'd never get to this point but it really is kinda just once you start it gets easier#(though to be fair i also wouldn't have told Any of the kids Anything had one of them not started acting like 'gays' was a dirty word)#(n i just Looked at him n said 'you know i'm a queer right?' n he was like 'O_O')#when i worked at homophobic summer camp i do remember daydreaming abt telling my boss i was a 'flaming queer'#i'd have put my feet up on her desk n everything as i made direct eye contact w/her but ofc i never did anything like that.#anyway! i will slep now so that i can get back to work on my projects tmrw morning
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It's 6.30 and I'm prepared and in bed 🫡
#miranda talking shit#It was nice yesterday but like... I slept maybe two or three hours... We went to bed 9.30 and It took forever for me#I dozed off once. 3 AM... Couldn't fall asleep... Doozed off and alarm blast#I was just touching the guy half the night#He was snoring and sleeping and I was rubbing his back and arm and shoulders#I'm so touch starved it's wild how I react when I have gotten open permission to touch someone however#I'm just like... Naw i can't stop now I gotta hold your hand pet your arm and rub your back#I thought I disrtirbed his sleep bc he... Usually breathe pretty deep and slow but I asked in the morning and he was like :) I slept well#Great buddy. I was holding your hand and touching your chest and rubbing your belly and-#Now thinking about it it seems so weird but like....#As someone who just gets hugs from her mom every other week and hugs from one friend I see once per month#I don't get to touch people and no one touches me...#Plus the guy is Big ™ muscles and length and I'm more used to... Ladies who are softer and yeah#Anyway... It was very nice. Many highlight reels to go through in my mind#And he said I could come back so... Believe it Naruto#I'm so easy to please. I get cuddles and hugs and to touch someone...? Bitch I'm coming over asap#I was willing to come by tonight again for it but he wasn't up for it
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????
#i don't understand how they see this child thing#he's a child. he cries. sometimes he cries for things you have to say no about#like you must say no. why is it so hard for you to understand it and most importantly why the HELL am I the one who's somehow behaving#like the mother when she's not around#I'm so pissed off about this situation Imma scream one day#again. i love my nephew more than my honestly unworthy life for what I'm doing with it#but I'm 23 and i never asked to be a mother and i just want to do my things and have like a little corner for myself#and to be left alone for 5 minutes#which can't happen apparently bc I can't even go to the bathroom without my mother going 'let's see what auntie is doing!'#gurl what do you think I'm doing???????#I'm so fucking tired#and once again why the hell does he have to sleep here tonight when his father is perfectly able to take care of him#i swear if i were to see him once a week I'd be more than happy but every day gets exhausting#and in the middle of it all i also have to listen to my mother scold me for no reason. no one ever says 'oh thank you'#jesus christ#I'll never EVER have children btw#and i hope I don't fall in love with a cis man because if this is how they are I'm very tempted to commit a murder rn#I'm tired out of my mind bc me and my mother had to cook and clean the whole house for tomorrow. do you think#my father raised a single finger despite knowing we needed a hand?#fuck them when i get financially stable enough to leave they'll see me once a year#if they're lucky#again. I can't have my therapist tell me all this things which i start to think about daily and leave me on my own for a whole week#bc then i go insane#sorry I'll prob delate this later#rant#i realize now the post doesn't make sense without context but i was trying to make him sleep and he cried a little#like he. always does btw but somehow today it was my fault
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MAY 6TH, 2023, 2:37 AM: FREEDOM
*for a week, yay for summer classes
#pickle pontificates#man. I'm so beat. don't ever ask me to write an essay again or I'll strangle you personally#oh yeah. my hoopskirt got here too btw :D#I actually wasn't expecting to finish that thing tonight. I've been too burnt out to do anything but sleep and play video games at night#but lo and behold I had an adrenaline wave that kept me up just long enough to finish#i did not edit him. i did not read through to see if he was coherent#i looked at the rubric the rest of my grades were good enough that even if I got a D on the essay I'd still get an A in the class#and guess what. I managed to hit the minimum word count so I think it has to be a C at minimum#I'm so happy to be out of there ho-ly crap#I hate not having time for hobbies
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♥!
#Title because body text is too small to encapsulate my Big Celebration#So if you've been following along the breadcrumbs of my Real Life nonsense you'll know I moved last October/November#And since then a lot of my didn't-think-at-the-time-was-that-necessary-but-actually-turned-out-to-be-pretty-frickin'-necessary Stuff#Has been back away. Yes for six months. No I'm not happy about it either but literally what am I supposed to do about it lol#And one of those things was my hammock! My bed! My reading spot! My favourite place!#Well tied for my favourite place with my rocking chair but splitting hairs really lol#And we just straight up couldn't find it - found the base! But not the cloth-and-rope part the actual hammock bit#So we bit the bullet and just bought a new one - the old one had been fraying and snapping like mad anyway so it was time#And it finally - Finally! Arrived today ouq#It feels amaaaazzzzinnnnggggg ahhhhhhhh#I really want to draw my excitement but that would require leaving it - yes I am typing this while reclined and rocking it's delightful#And the airflow! Ah!!#The only problem(s) now are well a) I never want to leave it again lol b) it's rather large#And part of the reason we couldn't locate my Various Items was because I don't have a room yet - nowhere to put it#So it's just kinda....in the way lol#And then c).....my employer asked for a night shift. Tonight. And tomorrow. Out. So I can't sleep in my hammock :') Until Sunday#So :'D#But!!! OTHER THAN THAT!!!! Lol#Most importantly going forward I have my reading spot back ahhhhhhhh AHHHHHH#I'm gonna read so much!! I have so many reading plans!!!!!!#HAMMOCK!! AHH!!#Update: She called off ahhhhhhHHHHHH
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